Inbox 1: Sue Sylvester
by Hannanball13
Summary: Seven Months Pregnant, one whole month left of vacation and unable to explore the world with her vast amounts of free time Sue Sylvester cooks up an E-Mail to Kurt claiming HE has started a conversation. Kurt cannot help but reply to the sly and snarky comments within the e-mails and begins a long string of messages that help him see a new side of Coach Sue.
1. Inbox 1: Sue Sylvester

_**I just spit this out. In all honesty, if you hate it—it will be totally understandable. But, I love Sue's mind and hope you can find a way to enjoy. Excuse Kurt's responses, I'll be brushing up on him if I keep this going. **_

_**Happy Reading!**_

_3:24 P.M_

_Oh sweet, naïve little Porcelain. Could it be the hormones, or is it the way you so proudly poop your rainbow glitter that's making you more tolerable these days? But here's the thing. I'm not telling you the father of my child, nor will I divulge such information to your little glee friends until I see a signed contract with this little rug rat's Pop's name on it. That cryogenic containment center rental space certainly wasn't cheap and I'd hate to give up the identity of the man whose DNA is causing just as much havoc to my child's genetic make- up as mine is when I'm not as financially secure as I once was. _

_You're probably thinking, "Oh Sue Sylvester, you slay me!" And I tell you, you're not the first one to think such thoughts- just ask Madonna. But that is beside the point. In only a month- that's thirty days if you were wondering- this child will emerge from my womb with my brains and dazzling good looks. Angelina Jolie will be jealous of my daughter, at least she'll have some fashion sense. I don't want to brag, but she'd probably give up her, what? Nineteen children, for my one, incredibly charming, extraordinarily intelligent little girl? Perhaps I'm thinking of that Duggar woman. Either way, I am making the same point. _

_Just tell all of your other little slush faced gleekazoids that no amount of berating or harassment will unseal these perfectly, tight lips of mine. I guess it will just have to eat away at you for the rest of the Summer. I'll see you in one month. Keep your panties on; this miracle will arrive soon enough, then all of you children will have the answer you've been squirming over this entire vacation. _

_Now I must be signing off. Those ginormous prenatal vitamins don't swallow themselves. Also, I am obliged to begin working on my campaign for the 2016 election year; it's a shame I have to miss out on the rabid race for that presidential position I so deserve for such sexist reasons. Anyone can juggle an infant and an entire country. It's child's play._

_-Sue Sylvester_

_5:30 P.M._

_Coach Sue, have you taken crazy pills? I have NEVER e-mailed you! The other creator of your spawn has NOT crossed my mind for even a single moment these past few months and you WON'T see me in a few weeks. I graduated remember? I'm off to bigger and better things than McKinley High. I know you're so crushed. (Look, sarcasm- you're not the only one who knows how to use it!) _

_Much to YOUR dismay, I'm sure Blaine, Rachel, Finn, Mercedes and possibly even Mr. Schue have not donated a single thought about your child's supposed celeb daddy the past two months. I hate to disappoint you. _

_Also, how do you expect to conduct gym classes while you're nine months pregnant? How are you even finding track suits that fit you anymore? Why did you pick me of all people to randomly chastise of every kid in McKinley, or who has ever left McKinley for that matter? Just, why? _

_Child's Play? First of all, what kind of crazy political figure would you make? America would surely be a dictatorship within the first three days of your instatement. (If citizens were even insane enough to vote for you.) But, seriously, you are a bit touched. Don't you have anyone else you can make up a conversation with? Like, I don't know? This mystery father you clearly believe everyone is curious about?(Let me reiterate. WE AREN'T) _

_Good luck with childbirth. I tip my hat off to you for swallowing something larger than the souls of high school youth. _

_-Kurt Hummel_

_P.S. How did you even get this e-mail address?_

_**Okie dokie. No cliffhanger. This chapter is test fluff.  
**_

_**Review and tell me what you think. My fingers are crossed!**_


	2. Dear Prince Flamboyancy,

_**Two whole Reviews! Is it sad I am grateful? Thanks you guys! And those of you who read, if you return for this chapter that's awesome! **_

_**It seems Kurt is laying it on a little thick. Forgive me. I want you to be entertained. **_

_August 1__st__ 7:57 P.M._

_It hurts me Porcelain to see the response currently occupying the screen of my personalized dell. Your reply is just so riddled with denial it sickens me (but that could be the miracle currently clinging to my insides.) I bet you'd be excited; my barf bags are glitter encrusted. I get them sent to me for free from my paper bag of the month club. And before you say anything, no such a thing exists. It is a perk for those of select few who have been cheated out of their Noble Peace prizes. _

_I am impressed with the balls you have displayed via online, social networking. Don't interpret that last sentence wrong, I mean it's impressive that you show actual signs of even the weakest form of masculinity. _

_For your information Show Tune Manwhore, Schuester HAS kept in contact with me these gooey, horrific Summer days. His O.C.D Ginger has made it a point to escort me to every one of my appointments, dragging the Leader of the Gleeks along with her. I am telling you, he is already whipped. I hate to admit this, but Emma may deserve some credit. (Hide your amazement Porcelain- I do know real names. I just choose to ignore them, they are a limit and everyone who knows Sue Sylvester understands I have none of those.) Pumped full of hormones my body evacuated from its body years ago my brain hasn't been as sharp as it normally is. Wipe that look of surprise from you face, I beat you to the menopause quip. In the months to come I suspect my uncanny ability to create irrational, random terror will dissipate so let me use your pathetic post script to strike fear into your heart while I still can. _

_Back in the 70's I worked with a technological research team to create a skillful means for military forces to communicate back and forth. I'll have you know there are databases full of information you've given to your E-mail providers that I have access to- yes I know what your security question and for once I have a question for YOU, why so personal Rainbow Rider? . No longer working toward improving this means of communication I had to call in an old acquaintance for yours, but I found it nonetheless. I was worried for an entire, excruciating fourteen seconds wondering if I would have to sift through each individual username to find the most flamboyant, but low and behold someone owed me a favor. Of course I was already aware you used Yahoo! Because everyone knows it's the official e-mail provider of the gays. It must be you can all relate to that exclamation. Any dim wit can understand gays like to exclaim. _

_If you haven't realized already, I do not fear child birth. A little pain for a life time of attending victory riddled cheerleading events and her Valedictorian speech will make it all worthwhile. Teaching will be a snap; over the years my sophisticated and craved teaching style has become effortless to me. A few extra pounds won't burden me any. Plus I would hate to disappoint the future high schoolers of McKinley. They have been promised Sue Sylvester and I don't break my promises._

_Not that you have realized the lapse in time, but I have been away from my keyboard for about an hour and a half. Even in the World Wide Web I keep people waiting. I rush for no one. And consequently I am becoming so round, rushing has become a thing of the past, but you have made it a point you could care less about this child evading my innards so I'll do my best to keep her under wraps. Anyway, the reason for the delay in my completion of my message is the fact my neighbor is constantly spraying that horrific Axe Body Spray in the evenings and these super human, hellish senses make it possible for me to taste the urine laced juices from miles away. That and curry. Luckily, Principal Figgins doesn't dwell close by my home, which is a stroke of luck here in Lima. (Surprised? I am bitter toward this trash heap too, but now that a tiny human lurks within my womb I cannot help but remain in the town where the biggest threat is post-pubescent acne.)By the way, I hope your breakouts have lightened in these few months. Nah, I'm just kidding, you're a baby face. I bet your skin is as soft and delicate as my own. There was nothing worse than teaching pizza-faced teenagers when my stomach would do a three sixty just getting a whiff of hot dog water. I hope to never return to those times, even looking at my glittering vomit ready sacks. _

_You mentioned Blaine, are you two still knee deep in your same sex shenanigans? Or have you moved on to bigger and better things than him as well? (Although, I do recall having never received any information of you departing, as you claim.) _

_To address your concerns of my inevitable presidency in the future (near or far), I will say I would never result to dictatorship or fascism as you may believe. I do not wish to be a political figure looked down upon, but one who is feared. These candidates are not intense and they do not have arguments with which bring fresh, scrupulous abundance to the white house. I mustn't get into politics with you; I cannot be riled by opposing reply these days. You can wait for my campaign and seek your answers then._

_Nighty Night Prince Flamboyancy I have to make my nightly prank call to Roz Washington. That bronze medal winning bitch deserves every last unruly voicemail I can leave her. Take care of yourself and give the others my insincere regards for any shattered dreams they are currently sulking over. It seems that's all you ever did. _

_-Sue Sylvester_

_August 2__nd__ 12:04 A.M._

_Yet again, why? Don't you have any OLD People you can bother in your spare time? Why not send Roz Washington death threats or perhaps one of your sonograms? A shot of your shriveling uterus has potential to melt the eyeballs from the coarsest human being's eye sockets. I have sympathy for the poor, innocent child who will have to be mothered by you. _

_Are you really so lonely you have decided I am a good person to stalk? I don't want to be stalked. Really. You're doing me no favors. I always figured my first stalker would be a crazed fan, not my Gym Coach from High School. How disappointing. _

_I wish my phone didn't alert me to junk mail because I certainly wouldn't have my eyes on this. If only there was a way to block you…  
You're in luck. I've just spent the last half hour searching for a way to re-direct anything from your username to spam, but I can't seem to find a way to accomplish that. _

_Has anyone ever told you, you're a heartless, racist, homophobic, psychotic witch with no people skills? A monkey could get that impression of you just by your scent. Let me tell you right now, you are the last human being on earth I would ever share any bit of my relationship with. Why I even continue to reply and feed your sick need for attention, insult and injury is beyond me. _

_I will try to appease you for the time being, only because I have nothing better to do. You do NOT have a teaching style, and if it is considered a teaching style it should just be called EVIL. Because that is what you are. Why you would have a child concerns me. The chances they will be emotionally damaged with low self-esteem seems as inevitable as you say your presidential candidacy is. I apologize- politics. I wasn't aware your usual state wasn't "perpetually riled", my bad. It's no wonder I thought you were in that frame of mind the way you laid the crazy on thick at Booty camp when Mr. Schue made the mistake of letting you take over. _

_Not only have you implied, but you have said straight out that I am naïve. I don't think so. I am on to your vast lies and I doubt you ever served our country unofficially. There are countless ways you could have obtained my email address I was just hoping you could specify in a non- bonkers way, but of course I am wrong. You have to go the route of ridiculous lies and fill my page with false stories of the amazing person you aren't._

_You are a gym couch. People despise you and it's sad that you take pride in that fact. For the love of God, get over yourself! I hated you. Who knows why I've stopped. Jeez, did I really just say that? All you ever do is say cruel and hurtful things. You practically bathe me in ridiculous nicknames in the least endearing ways, how someone hasn't attempted to hit you or bitch slap you is mind boggling. If anyone on this green earth deserved a hearty, smack to their smug face it would be you without a doubt. The only reason you have gotten away with most of the spontaneous bull that spews from your mouth is because you are carrying cargo we are praying comes out innocent and un-possessed by the demons that evade your poor, lost soul. _

_Take it from me Coach Sue, no one wants to see any child grow up to be as bitter and hurtful as you can be. For crying out loud, at least pretend you have a heart. _

_Besides mine, no one has reported any of their dreams or endeavors having been torn from them. I bet you're upset. No pain from the former glee gang. You're probably tearing up. (If you can even do that.) _

_Forgive me. My bed is calling, so I cannot continue to engross you in anymore witty response. _

_Do you sleep? Well if you do. Good Night. I won't wish you pleasant dreams, because I know you are incapable of having them._

_-Show Tune Manwhore_

_**I hope you enjoyed!**_

_**Review and tell me what you think!**_


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